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Excerpts from Journals

Each day after the loss of my son to addiction I would journal. We live in a small community with few resources for grieving. I didn't want to medicate, to turn to pills to try to make it through this. Drugs killed my son and I just couldn't go there. I did go to my doctor for a checkup to make sure I was okay. If you are grieving see your doctor, that is very important! I told my doctor how I was feeling and what I was doing to work through my grief and she supported me. She also made sure to let me know to come back and see her if I couldn't do this alone. The following excerpts are from my journals. 


April 10, 2018

Day 3 After. I am broken. I am numb, and still deflecting. It starts to crowd in and I push it away. I did treat myself to a haircut and color - and what is really funny is that I asked Tracy, my girl, to do the same thing she did before - in 2016 before we went on vacation - and that was to darken it some, and do highlights and low lights cause you know at the ripe old age of 29 (a few times over) it has some grey - and there is a hint of violet to it... just enough so if the sun catches it you can see some purple. So, using the same recipe as last time.... the entire top third of my hair came out purple!!! And now I know my son Ryan is laughing. 

April 13, 2018

Day 6 after. I go from heart breaking pain, to nausea and then numb. I am so exhausted... And I have a little bit of anger sneaking in. Everyone had left by 10AM this morning so it is quiet now. I need the quiet.... Mark (hubby) says he can't hold me or kiss me enough to take the pain away and then I have to stop and remind myself that he is grieving also.... He cries over the loss of our son, and he cries for the pain he sees me in.. 
We are in a blizzard - started at 2PM and will last on and off until Sunday - they are saying worst storm in decades. I say good. I need the time to hide. We own a business, there are deadlines, jobs that have to get done.... This storm gives me a long weekend to process what is going on. We tried to watch a movie today - we had to keep stopping it and just cry and breathe..  I don't know how people do this - everyone says one day at a time.... these are going to be some long days... 
This disease SUCKS. It takes our beautiful babies away from us - from the moment it takes control - it destroys our babies, our families. Ryan insisted that I understand that drugs were his choice - not a failing on my part. We as moms want to be responsible for the success our children have - we want to be proud and tell the world how wonderful our child is - so we also feel responsible for their failings... I think I came to accept that it was on him, not me, that he was an addict. And he hid the fact that he was using again so well from me. 


Journaling is how I chose to work through my grief. I am NOT advocating for anyone to follow my grief path. If you are feeling overwhelmed please call your minister or your doctor.

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